Today marks the foundation of Lib Dems Against Factionalism, a place for all Liberal Democrats who believe that the current upswing in sub-party organisations that purportedly represent 'differences of opinion' is a menace to all right- thinking undifferentiated Lib Dems everywhere.

We have formed this new group because we believe the following to be true:

• That the public have a clear and coherent understanding of what the Lib Dems stand for and will in no way be confused by a new group putting clear tangerine water between itself and the rest of the party, and besides, the public loves internecine conflict;
• That our current low poll ratings are clearly the result of the minor policy differences between ourselves and the other factions, and that as soon as our preferred policies are made official we will shoot back up again to the heady heights of 15%;
• That the word 'Liberal' is ours, because people can totally own words, and look, we've got this pamphlet from the 19th century in which a guy uses 'liberal' in a way that sort of sounds like we do, if you squint a bit;
• That this isn't the party we thought we joined, even though the other people in the other factions have been members about as long as we have and clearly must have joined the wrong party back in the day;
• That no-one should have to choose between equally delicious types of confectionery, indeed, we can be friends with cabbage too;
• That our version of Liberalism has FIVE corners, so it must better, and only through the fifth corner of 'indecision' will we be able to appeal to floating voters again;
• That we didn't join a party with a tradition of individualism to not subsume ourselves beneath a group identity, and if we don't have a separate identity people might think we're like those horrid other Lib Dems;
• That, most of all, arguing with people who nearly agree with us is far more fun than doing anything like community organising or campaigning, and the more effort we can spend talking to ourselves the better.

If you want to join this exciting new organisation, email eye@ron.ie

with your name, membership number, and a denunciation of all the other factions, including personal invective if possible. Our official launch event will be at Gateshead Conference where we will be determinedly staying on the south side of the river, because god forbid we could be right next to the nightlife capital of the UK and actually host fun events there. In the interim, we call on all Liberal Democrats to stay true to the traditions of our party by tweeting abuse at people we've discovered we don't agree with.